You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Couch. On fire.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
