Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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