Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
