life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize