roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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