I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
