I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
