I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
