And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
