i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
