her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need moral support for this bender
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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