from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
