got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
