Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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