throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
