I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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