Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
