You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
