Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
