Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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