Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
