I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
