I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize