so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Bring me that man meat
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
