when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
