Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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