even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
