You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
