he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
