The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
