What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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