it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
