I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
