I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
