i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
