It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize