Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
