You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
