Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
