im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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