I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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