When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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