in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
