If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
