I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
