just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
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