I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
