I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
false alarm. still invincible.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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