yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
