Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Let's paint friendship bongs
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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