can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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