I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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