i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
