If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize