I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
