Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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