Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize