I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
