I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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