Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
