I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
